I feel like that billboard...
A few years ago I did an arts residency/fellowship run by a university professor who ran one of the few holography departments in the US. Myself and four others spent hundreds of dollars to travel there to use the laboratory over the course of a week. And by the end of the week, after maybe 50 hours at the lab, we had made maybe 4 holograms each.
I've thought a lot about that man, his gaslighting, his control methods, his ability to twist every moment to his own narcissistic self advantage. He had something we all desperately wanted, a working lab, and he found a dozen ways to keep us from it. Minor adjustments, missing equipment, issues with the chemicals, and on and on and on.
I still have no idea why he had to have such insane control over the situation, but he maybe knew that control over this thing was the only thing he really had, and he knew that we all would have to kowtow to him to get to it.
He wanted to be the white, long-bearded kung fu master in the deep jungle, and I was amazed at how capable he was in twisting everything to that fantasy.
I'm not sure if my story relates at all to your situation, but to get what I wanted I had to fit into his control scenario, his toxic hierarchy. But in the end, it made me have to consider what I really wanted, and where my boundaries were within it.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this Brady. You deserve better. Really. Really.
I've thought a lot about that man, his gaslighting, his control methods, his ability to twist every moment to his own narcissistic self advantage. He had something we all desperately wanted, a working lab, and he found a dozen ways to keep us from it. Minor adjustments, missing equipment, issues with the chemicals, and on and on and on.
I still have no idea why he had to have such insane control over the situation, but he maybe knew that control over this thing was the only thing he really had, and he knew that we all would have to kowtow to him to get to it.
He wanted to be the white, long-bearded kung fu master in the deep jungle, and I was amazed at how capable he was in twisting everything to that fantasy.
I'm not sure if my story relates at all to your situation, but to get what I wanted I had to fit into his control scenario, his toxic hierarchy. But in the end, it made me have to consider what I really wanted, and where my boundaries were within it.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this Brady. You deserve better. Really. Really.
Really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't have any words of comfort to offer, but I would like to share a song that helps me in those times I feel alone. Its by Gary Floyd, probably best known as the singer for The Dicks. The Butthole Surfers wrote a song about him. He released a couple of solo albums in the 90's that weren't anything like I would have expected given his past. It turns out he has a big beautiful voice. I hope you can find some peace, even if just for today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch...
https://www.youtube.com/watch...
Errr, also massive apologies for hijacking this thread asking about marinades when you are having to deal with all of this BS. Hope things improve soon.
@poorusher No worries at all!! Good jerk seasoning is a pretty religious thing for me so it fits the narrative.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
@stereoplex I spent a large portion of my life working for and with those kinds of people so it resonates deeply. I’m sorry you had to endure that. What I learning is the worst of circumstances can teach us the most important lessons.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
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JFC, brother. Know that we all care deeply for your well-being and healing and that if we were there we would give this evil hack the thrashing of his life. Please remember that you are loved and this is a fork in the road that can only lead you back to safety in time.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey, and so sorry for this epic level of disappointment. Know that you're not truly alone. Best of luck in finding someone/somewhere to rely on - they are surely out there.
You mentioned in an earlier update on your journey that your brother said he “collects healers like you collect music”. Maybe it’s time to find another record for the collection and put this one back on the shelf.
Don’t be discouraged. Well, I mean be discouraged, but temporarily! There is more to your journey yet to come than what has happened so far.
Don’t be discouraged. Well, I mean be discouraged, but temporarily! There is more to your journey yet to come than what has happened so far.
I really admire your ability to recognize all of these things, write them down, and share them.
I can only imagine, if it were me, I’d just close off more, and I both admire and respect your ability to do the opposite.
I can only imagine, if it were me, I’d just close off more, and I both admire and respect your ability to do the opposite.
@macmanx Thank you! I often say I've got a photographic memory but most of the images are a little out of focus... heh
I wish I had been keeping notes in real time as there are myriad little details and interactions that colored every moment, even the dull ones. As I said above; some of the worst circumstances teach us the most important lessons. Just being open to that has given me a great deal of insight... I've been out of the frying pan, into the fire and on the serving platter enough times in my life that if I don't treat these things as lessons to learn I would have given up a long time ago...
And I'm never giving up.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
I wish I had been keeping notes in real time as there are myriad little details and interactions that colored every moment, even the dull ones. As I said above; some of the worst circumstances teach us the most important lessons. Just being open to that has given me a great deal of insight... I've been out of the frying pan, into the fire and on the serving platter enough times in my life that if I don't treat these things as lessons to learn I would have given up a long time ago...
And I'm never giving up.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
i am so very sorry that you are feeling so alone. we are with you and we believe in you. you are tough as nails and persevere like a motherfucker.
I'm really sorry that this has not been the experienced you were hoping for. But hopefully you can salvage the rest and have a better time. Take care of yourself. ❤️
I can add little but my own words of encouragement. Humans can be resilient. I feel you show great resiliency. I hope that you locate the inspiration you seek.
Brady, this may sound like complete horseshit but I just have this _POWERFUL_ feeling that you are going to stumble into exactly what you need on this journey, and that the hill you wind up on is going to make all these fucking valleys seem like mere bumps in the road.
Read through this earlier today and kept thinking about you, Brady.
I am sorry for the disappointment. I cannot imagine how discouraging that felt. But, at the same time, I cannot imagine anyone else who couldn't turn this around and build it toward something positive. You're an incredible person, and I am excited to see where this journey—bumps and all—takes you.
I am sorry for the disappointment. I cannot imagine how discouraging that felt. But, at the same time, I cannot imagine anyone else who couldn't turn this around and build it toward something positive. You're an incredible person, and I am excited to see where this journey—bumps and all—takes you.
Keep up the hunt and the fight.
When I think about where I was when I was 19 and where I am now at 40, I feel so much better prepared to take on the mental health fights that I’d been avoiding in my 30s. I hope the same is try when I hit 48 and take an adventure to some quack doc and find my own way through the jungle with the quack and his patients on my back.
I’m proud of you for writing this up. It takes courage to go, courage to write your concerns, and courage to share that with others in your community and ask for support.
When I turn 48, I want to be strong and courageous like you. I want to be able to share my weaknesses with others and show them that everyone is struggling, but that we all work through it in our own ways.
I sincerely hope that the change of scenery and opportunity for self-directed healing that’s been presented to you (because it’s obviously not being directed by anyone else) is helpful in the end. If not, well, as my therapist says on repeat, “failure isn’t the opposite of success, it’s the precursor.”
Let us know and I bet there’s others who could help you find a real doc, or who could take you in and help you themselves. Or at least share that they’re also struggling at 60, but in a new and novel way. :)
When I think about where I was when I was 19 and where I am now at 40, I feel so much better prepared to take on the mental health fights that I’d been avoiding in my 30s. I hope the same is try when I hit 48 and take an adventure to some quack doc and find my own way through the jungle with the quack and his patients on my back.
I’m proud of you for writing this up. It takes courage to go, courage to write your concerns, and courage to share that with others in your community and ask for support.
When I turn 48, I want to be strong and courageous like you. I want to be able to share my weaknesses with others and show them that everyone is struggling, but that we all work through it in our own ways.
I sincerely hope that the change of scenery and opportunity for self-directed healing that’s been presented to you (because it’s obviously not being directed by anyone else) is helpful in the end. If not, well, as my therapist says on repeat, “failure isn’t the opposite of success, it’s the precursor.”
Let us know and I bet there’s others who could help you find a real doc, or who could take you in and help you themselves. Or at least share that they’re also struggling at 60, but in a new and novel way. :)
I have Dunn's River at the moment, which is good, spicy but very salty. I would like to get your rec again if this rings any bells?
Hope all is well.